The Sin Bin: Weekly Advice for People who Don't Deserve It

You've got problems. I've got a beer getting warm. Let's make this quick.

The Sin Bin is an advice column for people who don't deserve it. You write in with whatever sad, tangled mess you've made of your life (or your neighbor's), and I'll tell you what you already know, but you're too soft to admit to yourself. Think of it as getting cross-checked into the boards by someone who cares about you. Or doesn't. Look at it this way: you're already face-down on the ice.

Note for the n00bs: Yes, this is rife with hockey terminology and analogies. The penalty box is the sin bin. I almost called it Two Minutes for Whining instead. That could have made it sound like whining was okay as long as it lasted two minutes, so here we are.

Ground rules before you waste my time:

Keep it brief or get benched. If your "life crisis" is longer than a couple of three sentences, I'm not reading it. I've got a fridge full of hazy IPAs I need to get to. If you can't summarize your failure in the time it takes one of the Knutsons to skate up and back at the rink, you're trying too hard.

No "soft" problems. If your problem involves "finding your inner light," go find a yoga instructor in Jackson. If your problem can't be solved by tough love and an emotionless stare, don't bother me.

No participation trophies. Don't come to me looking for a "Good Job" or "It'll all work out." It probably won't. You're the reason your life is a dumpster fire. I'm just here to point out which match you used.

Identify your pylon. In every story, there's a pylon. You know, the useless person standing there watching the play move around them. If you can't figure out who the pylon is in your situation, it's probably you. Accept that before you hit "Send."

The New York Rule. Messages from 212, 917, or anyone wearing a Yankees hat go straight into the trash. I don't care if you're drowning. Actually, I hope your team does.

If I don't answer your letter, it was boring, and I'd rather watch the ice freeze than give you "closure."

Send your problems to [email protected]. Keep it short and honest. Don't tell me about your feelings.

First letters drop next week.